BodySpirtitual | How to Recognize the Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

Clear signs when someone who is grandiose, has a lack of empathy for other people, and has a desperate need for admiration and attention is often described as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD.)

In Greek Mythology, Narcissus was known for his own beauty and was in love with himself. In reality, narcissism is when someone is obsessed with an idealized version of themselves, which they project to avoid facing their real, damaged self.

Dating someone new can be hard enough, but it can be especially challenging if you start seeing someone who believes they are superior or special to everyone else — because that probably includes you. This can bring a lot of different issues to the relationship that can be damaging if you don’t know how to handle them.

We’ve looked into the research and found the traits you are likely to encounter if you meet a narcissist, or the warning signs if you’re already dating one.

You may feel like you’re constantly being used.

Tony Soprano’s mother Livia was a narcissist in the show.Diariocritico de Venezuela/Flickr

Psychologist Dr. Neil J. Lavender wrote in a blog post for Psychology Today that narcissists are notorious for having a sense of entitlement, and so will have no problem with using you for whatever needs they want fulfilling. This could mean borrowing your things and not returning them, including your ideas, and using your own worth to make themselves look better.

They are attracted to impressive people, because that helps with their own self image.

They might not love what they see in the mirror, but what they think they see.geralt / Pixabay

Some research has suggested that narcissists are especially hostile during conflicts with their romantic partners, such as one study which followed 146 newlywed couples and assessed them six times over the first four years of marriage. This is because having a grandiose personality means they think they are the hero of the situation every time, which makes it hard for them to consider that they may be wrong. Another study looked at 190 couples at college, and showed that aggression between them was higher when a partner engaged in what they called “grandiose exhibitionism,” or showing off.

Narcissists tend to suck you in and then abandon you.

It’s unlikely you will often be the focus of the narcissist’s attention.Allie Haroutunian / Unsplash

Expect to be used by a narcissist and then dropped quickly and brutally. According to Lavender, they can make you feel like the greatest thing in the world when you first meet, but this will quickly turn into contempt when you inevitably disappoint them. This can lead to them completely devaluing you and your life, ending with them cutting you out of their lives completely.

With a narcissist, your relationship is unlikely to last forever.

Narcissists are unlikely to commit to you anyway.Unsplash / Andrew Itaga

If you do get a narcissist to stick around long enough, that may not mean they’ll commit. One psychological study which followed 119 subjects suggested that narcissism was negatively associated with commitment. In other words, narcissists generally reported less commitment to their ongoing romantic relationships. This was because they were more attracted to alternatives and the idea of finding someone better.

Narcissistic people can hog conversations, often not letting the other person speak for very long.

Narcissus was in love with his own reflection.Google Arts & Culture

Narcissists love to talk about themselves, so they rarely give anyone else a chance. According to a blog post in Psychology Today by Professor Preston Ni with narcissists, you will struggle to have your views and feelings heard. Ni also references a book by psychologist Stephen Johnson called “Humanizing the Narcissistic Style,” and adds that if what you say isn’t in agreement with the narcissist, they are likely to interrupt you to correct or dismiss you. After all, narcissists find it very hard to admit to being wrong, and are very unlikely to ever be honest about their own faults.

Prepare to be charmed by a narcissist, because they know how to get what they want.

Narcissists thrive off attention.Movieclips Trailers / YouTube

They may be self-obsessed, but narcissists can also turn on the charm when they need to, which is why some research suggests they make great leaders, according to one study which discussed what the literature says about how certain traits of narcissism are vital to effective leadership, like charisma and grand vision. They can be very persuasive when trying to hook someone, ultimately because they want something from them. A narcissist can be very sociable and attentive, as long as you are giving them what they want and only giving them your attention.

You may find yourself being controlled in subtle or not-so-subtle ways.

Patrick Bateman wasn’t willing to listen to anyone else.Movieclips / YouTube

If there’s something narcissists really hate, it’s having to ask for what they want, because it reminds them that they are not the focus of everything. This means they will take control over whatever they can, including their partner. It can manifest as abusive or controlling behaviors, according to a blog by Dr. Craig Malkin, a psychology professor at Harvard Medical School. These behaviors can be subtle like cancelling plans with you last minute, or more blatant like guilt-tripping you into staying in with them instead of seeing your friends.

Before they discard you, they might play games with you first.

Gregory toys with Paula in Gaslight, doing everything he can to isolate her from other people.Gaslight trailer

Narcissists have a sense that they are smarter than everyone else, so they often like to test this out on unsuspecting victims, as outlined in a blog post by Dr. Robin Stern in Psychology Today. Like in the film “Gaslight,” narcissistic partners sometimes play games with their significant other, just for their own amusement. In the 1944 film, the narcissistic Gregory tricks Paula into thinking she’s going mad by hiding her possessions and isolating her from everyone else.